Stream of neuroses
Mar. 22nd, 2003 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiOK, here goes; forgive misspellings and poor grammar.
I am increasingly distressed about what looks like the very real, actual problems in my future. I worry that no one understands what looks like unavoidable certainty to me, that I will, by virtue of trying to be myself, end up outside the protective boundaries and be punished for that on a daily basis. I envision staring, mocking, pointing, harassment, overt rudeness, and more, all because I "choose" (not a fucking choice at all, but a necessity, from my perspective) to rock the boat in regards to gender. I have breasts; they will likely get to the point that, unless I take specific action to hide them, they will be noticeable. Ideally, this would be a good thing, save for the dealings with those who have no vested interest in me whatsoever, and thus feel free to work out that cognitive dissonance upon me.
Currently, to those unknown, or marginally known, I do pass: as a boy. It's certainly not what I would, do, or intend to choose for myself, but there is some safety in that. I'm not subject to overt hostility most of the time, because I'm one of two natural categories. I can't do that, don't want to do that, any more; it's just not who I am.
However, I also know that I'm not a girl; I also don't think it's really within my power to pass as one. People seem to be more able to accept movement from one to the other, because, even though it's weird, and certainly isn't "what god intended", it still fits within the accepted, unquestioned framework; there are boys and there are girls, and that's all there is. No amount of, "Why not just be human?" means much to me, as it's a seemingly meaningless concept (unless the real point is, "Why not just accept that, because you have a penis, you're a boy, so just be a different kind of boy?"), particularly in social/economic settings. I do not have the luxury of choosing who I interact with across the board.
I worry, a ton, about the whole concept of categories, definitions, and meaning. There are words for what I'm not, but might look like to others: crossdresser, transsexual, transgendered, transvestite, shemale, fetishist, usw. These words are dangerous to me, as there isn't a word for what I am (again, "Allen" holds very little meaning for me in this case, as it's a word without meaning to most, who will assign me meaning as an attempt to deal). Because I can't refute with a different label/concept that carries any meaning, I feel particularly vulnerable to those labels as applied, or even possibly applied, by others. I question myself, to make certain they aren't accurate, but again, not having a working definition of what I am, I feel not fully capable of refuting them. Doubt creeps in, making me wonder if they're right, even to an extent, and that I'm really misleading myself, to such an extent that I don't even see it.
I try, I really really try, to take solace and comfort from those who offer it, but it's hard. It's hard because, from my perspective, I'm moving into something new, something with which I have yet to really encounter useful tips based on similarity. I know some amazing people, who've been through all sorts of difficult and challenging things, but I don't know anyone who's hoeing the same row. I feel like I can't jump under a label umbrella that I don't feel fits, even if it's expedient; I'll chain myself to the hobgoblin, consistency, even if it means it will drag me down with it. It feels like I'd only be making things more difficult for myself if I asked people to consider me non-op transsexual, or something along those lines, because it's the damned mythic "continuum of gender" that I'm against, and I don't want to do anything to reinforce that which I hate, and which causes me so much grief and difficulty.
(I do not in any way mean to cast aspersions upon any trans folk, or any folk who use different strategies, methods, ideologies, or whatever, than I do; I am just trying to explain why I don't think those will work for me. That certainly doesn't make it better, in my book; I suspect it likely makes it unnecessarily more difficult, painful, and unpleasant. I suspect that last sentence will be the one upon which most will sieze.)
I am not only consumed with self doubt, but with guilt, more often than not. As has been pointed out, hinted at, or even overtly stated from time to time, ideally these things shouldn't matter. That these are statements made by those who are presumably resonably content with gender and their assignment there in is not lost on me, but I try to take them in the spirit in which I think they were intended. Unfortunately, probably because I do transgress accepted "nature" in my desire, I feel much, much more guilty over what I want to do with my appearance than I suspect others do who want to wear makeup, or lose weight, color their hair, get tattoos/piercings, etc. Substantively, it's not really that different, save that it *means* something different in society.
That leads me further along the path of self doubt and self flagellation; if it means something to society, and presumably those in it, is that meaning part of the reason I want what I want? (I have an immense amount of difficulty accepting that desire alone is reason enough; I'm not sure that 'desire alone' really means anything, or is possible) That leads back to labels; if I want what others want, does that make me like others? Why is it that I deem it, and suspect that it's deemed by others, perfectly acceptable for people with one loosely similar set of genitals to look/act/dress a certain way, and yet for me it's not? Why are the choices binary? And please, forgive me if I have difficulty accepting "But they're not" from those on the sidelines. While I mean no offense, I have a hard, hard time taking that in theory alone (perhaps the only good thing to come of this recent turn, the move from theory into some degree of actuality).
I desperately want to believe that change is possible, that the path of my future isn't as strife ridden as it looks, but I'm having quite the hard time of that as well. I can see the possibility of me living as a shut in, seeing only my beloved, a few friends, and that's it, because of the difficulties I will embody for others. And that's the rub; sure, I have issues, but in large part, I feel as though I will suffer for the issues, unacknowledge assumptions and prejudices, of others. No amount of internal clarity will reduce the reactions of others in this . Again, easy to say, "Well, the reactions of others shouldn't matter", but I challenge anyone to assure me with sincerity that these things in no way matter to them.
Fuck, I'm already anticipating offending peope who will read this; that's really, really not my intent. I'm stuck, I'm looking at a path that I can't not go down, and it scares the piss out of me. I don't want the pain and conflict I see, but I can't see how I could ever look myself in the mirror again if I didn't try to move forward. And please, dont' tell me that all I need to do is change my perspective, not my body; if that were the case, no one would buy cosmetics, clothing other than functional, etc. In other words, consider the implications of what you offer to me, for yourself; if you could happily run with it, odds are good I might be able to, as well.
I have to stop this now; I can't stand the thought of further alienating or offending any of you who read this. That you read at all means you matter to me, even though I've probably pissed you off. If I have, I'm sorry.
I am increasingly distressed about what looks like the very real, actual problems in my future. I worry that no one understands what looks like unavoidable certainty to me, that I will, by virtue of trying to be myself, end up outside the protective boundaries and be punished for that on a daily basis. I envision staring, mocking, pointing, harassment, overt rudeness, and more, all because I "choose" (not a fucking choice at all, but a necessity, from my perspective) to rock the boat in regards to gender. I have breasts; they will likely get to the point that, unless I take specific action to hide them, they will be noticeable. Ideally, this would be a good thing, save for the dealings with those who have no vested interest in me whatsoever, and thus feel free to work out that cognitive dissonance upon me.
Currently, to those unknown, or marginally known, I do pass: as a boy. It's certainly not what I would, do, or intend to choose for myself, but there is some safety in that. I'm not subject to overt hostility most of the time, because I'm one of two natural categories. I can't do that, don't want to do that, any more; it's just not who I am.
However, I also know that I'm not a girl; I also don't think it's really within my power to pass as one. People seem to be more able to accept movement from one to the other, because, even though it's weird, and certainly isn't "what god intended", it still fits within the accepted, unquestioned framework; there are boys and there are girls, and that's all there is. No amount of, "Why not just be human?" means much to me, as it's a seemingly meaningless concept (unless the real point is, "Why not just accept that, because you have a penis, you're a boy, so just be a different kind of boy?"), particularly in social/economic settings. I do not have the luxury of choosing who I interact with across the board.
I worry, a ton, about the whole concept of categories, definitions, and meaning. There are words for what I'm not, but might look like to others: crossdresser, transsexual, transgendered, transvestite, shemale, fetishist, usw. These words are dangerous to me, as there isn't a word for what I am (again, "Allen" holds very little meaning for me in this case, as it's a word without meaning to most, who will assign me meaning as an attempt to deal). Because I can't refute with a different label/concept that carries any meaning, I feel particularly vulnerable to those labels as applied, or even possibly applied, by others. I question myself, to make certain they aren't accurate, but again, not having a working definition of what I am, I feel not fully capable of refuting them. Doubt creeps in, making me wonder if they're right, even to an extent, and that I'm really misleading myself, to such an extent that I don't even see it.
I try, I really really try, to take solace and comfort from those who offer it, but it's hard. It's hard because, from my perspective, I'm moving into something new, something with which I have yet to really encounter useful tips based on similarity. I know some amazing people, who've been through all sorts of difficult and challenging things, but I don't know anyone who's hoeing the same row. I feel like I can't jump under a label umbrella that I don't feel fits, even if it's expedient; I'll chain myself to the hobgoblin, consistency, even if it means it will drag me down with it. It feels like I'd only be making things more difficult for myself if I asked people to consider me non-op transsexual, or something along those lines, because it's the damned mythic "continuum of gender" that I'm against, and I don't want to do anything to reinforce that which I hate, and which causes me so much grief and difficulty.
(I do not in any way mean to cast aspersions upon any trans folk, or any folk who use different strategies, methods, ideologies, or whatever, than I do; I am just trying to explain why I don't think those will work for me. That certainly doesn't make it better, in my book; I suspect it likely makes it unnecessarily more difficult, painful, and unpleasant. I suspect that last sentence will be the one upon which most will sieze.)
I am not only consumed with self doubt, but with guilt, more often than not. As has been pointed out, hinted at, or even overtly stated from time to time, ideally these things shouldn't matter. That these are statements made by those who are presumably resonably content with gender and their assignment there in is not lost on me, but I try to take them in the spirit in which I think they were intended. Unfortunately, probably because I do transgress accepted "nature" in my desire, I feel much, much more guilty over what I want to do with my appearance than I suspect others do who want to wear makeup, or lose weight, color their hair, get tattoos/piercings, etc. Substantively, it's not really that different, save that it *means* something different in society.
That leads me further along the path of self doubt and self flagellation; if it means something to society, and presumably those in it, is that meaning part of the reason I want what I want? (I have an immense amount of difficulty accepting that desire alone is reason enough; I'm not sure that 'desire alone' really means anything, or is possible) That leads back to labels; if I want what others want, does that make me like others? Why is it that I deem it, and suspect that it's deemed by others, perfectly acceptable for people with one loosely similar set of genitals to look/act/dress a certain way, and yet for me it's not? Why are the choices binary? And please, forgive me if I have difficulty accepting "But they're not" from those on the sidelines. While I mean no offense, I have a hard, hard time taking that in theory alone (perhaps the only good thing to come of this recent turn, the move from theory into some degree of actuality).
I desperately want to believe that change is possible, that the path of my future isn't as strife ridden as it looks, but I'm having quite the hard time of that as well. I can see the possibility of me living as a shut in, seeing only my beloved, a few friends, and that's it, because of the difficulties I will embody for others. And that's the rub; sure, I have issues, but in large part, I feel as though I will suffer for the issues, unacknowledge assumptions and prejudices, of others. No amount of internal clarity will reduce the reactions of others in this . Again, easy to say, "Well, the reactions of others shouldn't matter", but I challenge anyone to assure me with sincerity that these things in no way matter to them.
Fuck, I'm already anticipating offending peope who will read this; that's really, really not my intent. I'm stuck, I'm looking at a path that I can't not go down, and it scares the piss out of me. I don't want the pain and conflict I see, but I can't see how I could ever look myself in the mirror again if I didn't try to move forward. And please, dont' tell me that all I need to do is change my perspective, not my body; if that were the case, no one would buy cosmetics, clothing other than functional, etc. In other words, consider the implications of what you offer to me, for yourself; if you could happily run with it, odds are good I might be able to, as well.
I have to stop this now; I can't stand the thought of further alienating or offending any of you who read this. That you read at all means you matter to me, even though I've probably pissed you off. If I have, I'm sorry.
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no subject
Date: 2003-03-21 10:23 pm (UTC)In a way, this makes me worry that I'm *that* shallow, that I don't understand it all--because I am reasonably content in how I am perceived, gender-wise and otherwise. It also makes me feel bad for you--not in a pity way, but in a "my heart aches for what you are going through" way. And then there is some frustration from the feeling that what you wrote underscores that there's not really anything that I can say or do that will ameliorate anything in the least. That's something I feel when any friend is in a bad/painful/confusing/whatever state and I can't fix it.
But nothing you said made me angry. And nothing you said offended me or made me like you any less. Nothing. No apologies necessary.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-21 10:23 pm (UTC)Sadly, I can't. We both know that.
I will simply say, I love you. I respect you. I always have and I always will. I don't care what you do with your shell. The being inside is amazing to me.
Oh, and if anyone ever fucks with you while I am around I will beat their heads in with a tire iron. ;-)
No offense taken...
Date: 2003-03-22 01:36 am (UTC)"Success in life has nothing to do with gender. Gender is nothing more than plumbing. It doesn't matter if you stand up or sit down to pee. Your measure of success will be in how you set your goals, and what you do to attain them. Plumbing doesn't mean squat."
oh no... it's four in the morning, and I'm going to ramble...
Date: 2003-03-22 02:07 am (UTC)I haven't really commented much about the gender issues, because I fear offending you, and because I know I don't understand what living in your position is like. The obvious answers and simple parallels that my mind wants to draw really don't fit your situation. So, I hesitate to offer anything that initially feels like insight, since on further examination, I often seem to be trying to reduce and compartmentalize your situation into more familiar packaging.
I think that's something that even friends might be likely to do... reduce or dissect your situation into something that's familiar enough that they can relate to it, so that they have a paradigm from which they can more easily consider it, and offer advice and/or sympathy.
I don't think anyone really thinks it's that simple, but I think a lot of us would like to be able to say that we understand, or can relate, out of a desire to support you, and let you know you're not alone in your situation.
Truth is, at least from my perspective, I don't understand (in the sense of knowing what it's like) your situation as a whole, and it's entirely possible that I never will. There are bits and pieces that, when evaluated independently, feel familiar and similar to situations in my own life. But, most of the time I feel like it's better to say nothing than to seize onto one of those bits and pieces, tell you I understand, and leave you feeling more isolated and misunderstood, because it looks like my view of things is all Pollyannaic oversimplification.
I think people equate understanding and support a little too much, maybe. Just because we don't understand what you're going through, doesn't mean we can't love and support you.
I care about you, I support you, I know your situation is hard, and I hope your journey to where ever it is you decide you want to be is as painless as possible. I'd be happy to listen if you need a sounding board, or help you in whatever other ways I can.
Sorry to ramble... I get verbose at this time in the night/morning. I hope there was some kernal of meaning discernable from all of this or, at the very least, that I didn't insert my foot in my mouth too much.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-22 03:01 am (UTC)Not offended.
I like the way you provoke thought...
And I like you.
As for me, I wish that I felt more human at times...
offers a pin.
Date: 2003-03-22 06:13 am (UTC)Experiment and experience - let's see what happens when you throw the closet door open, shine the flashlight in and see if it's really a monster or just a lump of discarded clothing.
(a.i.t. barely counts)
Re: offers a pin.
Date: 2003-03-22 09:16 am (UTC)It's kind of like when people suggest that my insecurities are irrational and not real. What they say makes sense, but it doesn't actually *help* me get any closer to that 'nirvanic goal', nor make me feel any better about myself.
Re: offers a pin.
Date: 2003-03-22 10:03 am (UTC)Re: offers a pin.
Date: 2003-03-22 10:07 am (UTC)1. Starting to take action doesn't, necessarily, lessen the fear.
2. How does telling someone thing, that they already know *and* are taking action on, help them?
Re: offers a pin.
Date: 2003-03-22 10:24 am (UTC)Re: offers a pin.
Date: 2003-03-22 10:44 am (UTC)What I was hoping for, was some kind of dialog about how people work and what kinds of advice/comfort/knowledge may or may not help them.
Re: offers a pin.
Date: 2003-03-22 11:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-22 09:04 am (UTC)i feel so lucky to know you, & really grateful that you wrote this out. i was going to try to cut & paste some of the lines that rang especially true to me, but maybe we should just talk instead. thank you for putting into words some complicated things i am always worrying about.
you have my respect. (& a willing ear when you need it.)
xo toby.
how could I be offended?
Date: 2003-03-22 02:29 pm (UTC)What I can say is that you are an amazing person, someone who makes me think, someone I appreciate having and knowing in my life. What you look like on the outside could never compete with who you are inside.
Besides, the first person to say something will get beaten by the arm I will rip from theit body. :)
not offended
Date: 2003-03-24 08:26 pm (UTC)So, while I am not in your shoes, I can relate to some of the feelings of trying to understand and accept who you are regardless of what society has to say about what you find. I know I have come a long way, and your beloved has had a lot to do with my success. So, I wish you happy self-hunting.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-26 05:18 pm (UTC)For whatever it's worth, I like you, and you're welcome to whatever support I can give.