Stream of neuroses
Mar. 22nd, 2003 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
adrienmundiOK, here goes; forgive misspellings and poor grammar.
I am increasingly distressed about what looks like the very real, actual problems in my future. I worry that no one understands what looks like unavoidable certainty to me, that I will, by virtue of trying to be myself, end up outside the protective boundaries and be punished for that on a daily basis. I envision staring, mocking, pointing, harassment, overt rudeness, and more, all because I "choose" (not a fucking choice at all, but a necessity, from my perspective) to rock the boat in regards to gender. I have breasts; they will likely get to the point that, unless I take specific action to hide them, they will be noticeable. Ideally, this would be a good thing, save for the dealings with those who have no vested interest in me whatsoever, and thus feel free to work out that cognitive dissonance upon me.
Currently, to those unknown, or marginally known, I do pass: as a boy. It's certainly not what I would, do, or intend to choose for myself, but there is some safety in that. I'm not subject to overt hostility most of the time, because I'm one of two natural categories. I can't do that, don't want to do that, any more; it's just not who I am.
However, I also know that I'm not a girl; I also don't think it's really within my power to pass as one. People seem to be more able to accept movement from one to the other, because, even though it's weird, and certainly isn't "what god intended", it still fits within the accepted, unquestioned framework; there are boys and there are girls, and that's all there is. No amount of, "Why not just be human?" means much to me, as it's a seemingly meaningless concept (unless the real point is, "Why not just accept that, because you have a penis, you're a boy, so just be a different kind of boy?"), particularly in social/economic settings. I do not have the luxury of choosing who I interact with across the board.
I worry, a ton, about the whole concept of categories, definitions, and meaning. There are words for what I'm not, but might look like to others: crossdresser, transsexual, transgendered, transvestite, shemale, fetishist, usw. These words are dangerous to me, as there isn't a word for what I am (again, "Allen" holds very little meaning for me in this case, as it's a word without meaning to most, who will assign me meaning as an attempt to deal). Because I can't refute with a different label/concept that carries any meaning, I feel particularly vulnerable to those labels as applied, or even possibly applied, by others. I question myself, to make certain they aren't accurate, but again, not having a working definition of what I am, I feel not fully capable of refuting them. Doubt creeps in, making me wonder if they're right, even to an extent, and that I'm really misleading myself, to such an extent that I don't even see it.
I try, I really really try, to take solace and comfort from those who offer it, but it's hard. It's hard because, from my perspective, I'm moving into something new, something with which I have yet to really encounter useful tips based on similarity. I know some amazing people, who've been through all sorts of difficult and challenging things, but I don't know anyone who's hoeing the same row. I feel like I can't jump under a label umbrella that I don't feel fits, even if it's expedient; I'll chain myself to the hobgoblin, consistency, even if it means it will drag me down with it. It feels like I'd only be making things more difficult for myself if I asked people to consider me non-op transsexual, or something along those lines, because it's the damned mythic "continuum of gender" that I'm against, and I don't want to do anything to reinforce that which I hate, and which causes me so much grief and difficulty.
(I do not in any way mean to cast aspersions upon any trans folk, or any folk who use different strategies, methods, ideologies, or whatever, than I do; I am just trying to explain why I don't think those will work for me. That certainly doesn't make it better, in my book; I suspect it likely makes it unnecessarily more difficult, painful, and unpleasant. I suspect that last sentence will be the one upon which most will sieze.)
I am not only consumed with self doubt, but with guilt, more often than not. As has been pointed out, hinted at, or even overtly stated from time to time, ideally these things shouldn't matter. That these are statements made by those who are presumably resonably content with gender and their assignment there in is not lost on me, but I try to take them in the spirit in which I think they were intended. Unfortunately, probably because I do transgress accepted "nature" in my desire, I feel much, much more guilty over what I want to do with my appearance than I suspect others do who want to wear makeup, or lose weight, color their hair, get tattoos/piercings, etc. Substantively, it's not really that different, save that it *means* something different in society.
That leads me further along the path of self doubt and self flagellation; if it means something to society, and presumably those in it, is that meaning part of the reason I want what I want? (I have an immense amount of difficulty accepting that desire alone is reason enough; I'm not sure that 'desire alone' really means anything, or is possible) That leads back to labels; if I want what others want, does that make me like others? Why is it that I deem it, and suspect that it's deemed by others, perfectly acceptable for people with one loosely similar set of genitals to look/act/dress a certain way, and yet for me it's not? Why are the choices binary? And please, forgive me if I have difficulty accepting "But they're not" from those on the sidelines. While I mean no offense, I have a hard, hard time taking that in theory alone (perhaps the only good thing to come of this recent turn, the move from theory into some degree of actuality).
I desperately want to believe that change is possible, that the path of my future isn't as strife ridden as it looks, but I'm having quite the hard time of that as well. I can see the possibility of me living as a shut in, seeing only my beloved, a few friends, and that's it, because of the difficulties I will embody for others. And that's the rub; sure, I have issues, but in large part, I feel as though I will suffer for the issues, unacknowledge assumptions and prejudices, of others. No amount of internal clarity will reduce the reactions of others in this . Again, easy to say, "Well, the reactions of others shouldn't matter", but I challenge anyone to assure me with sincerity that these things in no way matter to them.
Fuck, I'm already anticipating offending peope who will read this; that's really, really not my intent. I'm stuck, I'm looking at a path that I can't not go down, and it scares the piss out of me. I don't want the pain and conflict I see, but I can't see how I could ever look myself in the mirror again if I didn't try to move forward. And please, dont' tell me that all I need to do is change my perspective, not my body; if that were the case, no one would buy cosmetics, clothing other than functional, etc. In other words, consider the implications of what you offer to me, for yourself; if you could happily run with it, odds are good I might be able to, as well.
I have to stop this now; I can't stand the thought of further alienating or offending any of you who read this. That you read at all means you matter to me, even though I've probably pissed you off. If I have, I'm sorry.
I am increasingly distressed about what looks like the very real, actual problems in my future. I worry that no one understands what looks like unavoidable certainty to me, that I will, by virtue of trying to be myself, end up outside the protective boundaries and be punished for that on a daily basis. I envision staring, mocking, pointing, harassment, overt rudeness, and more, all because I "choose" (not a fucking choice at all, but a necessity, from my perspective) to rock the boat in regards to gender. I have breasts; they will likely get to the point that, unless I take specific action to hide them, they will be noticeable. Ideally, this would be a good thing, save for the dealings with those who have no vested interest in me whatsoever, and thus feel free to work out that cognitive dissonance upon me.
Currently, to those unknown, or marginally known, I do pass: as a boy. It's certainly not what I would, do, or intend to choose for myself, but there is some safety in that. I'm not subject to overt hostility most of the time, because I'm one of two natural categories. I can't do that, don't want to do that, any more; it's just not who I am.
However, I also know that I'm not a girl; I also don't think it's really within my power to pass as one. People seem to be more able to accept movement from one to the other, because, even though it's weird, and certainly isn't "what god intended", it still fits within the accepted, unquestioned framework; there are boys and there are girls, and that's all there is. No amount of, "Why not just be human?" means much to me, as it's a seemingly meaningless concept (unless the real point is, "Why not just accept that, because you have a penis, you're a boy, so just be a different kind of boy?"), particularly in social/economic settings. I do not have the luxury of choosing who I interact with across the board.
I worry, a ton, about the whole concept of categories, definitions, and meaning. There are words for what I'm not, but might look like to others: crossdresser, transsexual, transgendered, transvestite, shemale, fetishist, usw. These words are dangerous to me, as there isn't a word for what I am (again, "Allen" holds very little meaning for me in this case, as it's a word without meaning to most, who will assign me meaning as an attempt to deal). Because I can't refute with a different label/concept that carries any meaning, I feel particularly vulnerable to those labels as applied, or even possibly applied, by others. I question myself, to make certain they aren't accurate, but again, not having a working definition of what I am, I feel not fully capable of refuting them. Doubt creeps in, making me wonder if they're right, even to an extent, and that I'm really misleading myself, to such an extent that I don't even see it.
I try, I really really try, to take solace and comfort from those who offer it, but it's hard. It's hard because, from my perspective, I'm moving into something new, something with which I have yet to really encounter useful tips based on similarity. I know some amazing people, who've been through all sorts of difficult and challenging things, but I don't know anyone who's hoeing the same row. I feel like I can't jump under a label umbrella that I don't feel fits, even if it's expedient; I'll chain myself to the hobgoblin, consistency, even if it means it will drag me down with it. It feels like I'd only be making things more difficult for myself if I asked people to consider me non-op transsexual, or something along those lines, because it's the damned mythic "continuum of gender" that I'm against, and I don't want to do anything to reinforce that which I hate, and which causes me so much grief and difficulty.
(I do not in any way mean to cast aspersions upon any trans folk, or any folk who use different strategies, methods, ideologies, or whatever, than I do; I am just trying to explain why I don't think those will work for me. That certainly doesn't make it better, in my book; I suspect it likely makes it unnecessarily more difficult, painful, and unpleasant. I suspect that last sentence will be the one upon which most will sieze.)
I am not only consumed with self doubt, but with guilt, more often than not. As has been pointed out, hinted at, or even overtly stated from time to time, ideally these things shouldn't matter. That these are statements made by those who are presumably resonably content with gender and their assignment there in is not lost on me, but I try to take them in the spirit in which I think they were intended. Unfortunately, probably because I do transgress accepted "nature" in my desire, I feel much, much more guilty over what I want to do with my appearance than I suspect others do who want to wear makeup, or lose weight, color their hair, get tattoos/piercings, etc. Substantively, it's not really that different, save that it *means* something different in society.
That leads me further along the path of self doubt and self flagellation; if it means something to society, and presumably those in it, is that meaning part of the reason I want what I want? (I have an immense amount of difficulty accepting that desire alone is reason enough; I'm not sure that 'desire alone' really means anything, or is possible) That leads back to labels; if I want what others want, does that make me like others? Why is it that I deem it, and suspect that it's deemed by others, perfectly acceptable for people with one loosely similar set of genitals to look/act/dress a certain way, and yet for me it's not? Why are the choices binary? And please, forgive me if I have difficulty accepting "But they're not" from those on the sidelines. While I mean no offense, I have a hard, hard time taking that in theory alone (perhaps the only good thing to come of this recent turn, the move from theory into some degree of actuality).
I desperately want to believe that change is possible, that the path of my future isn't as strife ridden as it looks, but I'm having quite the hard time of that as well. I can see the possibility of me living as a shut in, seeing only my beloved, a few friends, and that's it, because of the difficulties I will embody for others. And that's the rub; sure, I have issues, but in large part, I feel as though I will suffer for the issues, unacknowledge assumptions and prejudices, of others. No amount of internal clarity will reduce the reactions of others in this . Again, easy to say, "Well, the reactions of others shouldn't matter", but I challenge anyone to assure me with sincerity that these things in no way matter to them.
Fuck, I'm already anticipating offending peope who will read this; that's really, really not my intent. I'm stuck, I'm looking at a path that I can't not go down, and it scares the piss out of me. I don't want the pain and conflict I see, but I can't see how I could ever look myself in the mirror again if I didn't try to move forward. And please, dont' tell me that all I need to do is change my perspective, not my body; if that were the case, no one would buy cosmetics, clothing other than functional, etc. In other words, consider the implications of what you offer to me, for yourself; if you could happily run with it, odds are good I might be able to, as well.
I have to stop this now; I can't stand the thought of further alienating or offending any of you who read this. That you read at all means you matter to me, even though I've probably pissed you off. If I have, I'm sorry.
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no subject
Date: 2003-03-26 05:18 pm (UTC)For whatever it's worth, I like you, and you're welcome to whatever support I can give.